the way i keep myself together
by ashleyt
Summary: maria deluca doesn't like complicated; michael feels like that's a fact of life


Author's Note: They'd have to pay me to watch this show but it's Maria and Michael so I have watched the gifs and youtube vids. How could I not love them? Also I'm a bit rusty so be gentle.

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**Maria Deluca watched her mother sleep, a soft smile play on her lips. Mimi Deluca was home for her and that home was unraveling faster than she'd tell anyone. Her mother's sickness a heavy weight, chaining her soul and most days Maria felt was choking on it.**

**Other days she felt nothing.**

**Pressing a kiss to her mother's forehead, she breaths in her favourite oil blend and closes the door behind her. She might be busy trying to keep their world together but knowing Mimi was safe at home, made her grueling nights worth it.**

**She walked back to the bar, breathing in that Roswell, New Mexico air. Being a townie was always going to be all kinds of hell for her. Liz and Alex had gone out into the world while she was stuck with a Chad and a sick mom and a bar and being the only Black girl in this dirt hole. The borders of this town feeling more like prison bars than the open desert that travel agents kept praising.**

**"Hey"**

**Maria stopped short, half startled, all pissed at the man entering her bar at the same time as her.**

**"Guerin" His name a flagrant warning on the other dangers of prison bars. She'd actually thought that there could be _something_ here. Undefinable. Dangerous. Fun. Michael Guerin could hold her while she cried one minute and then piss her off in the next and it was genuine to what their relationship is. Or was.**

**"I thought we were on first name basis, Maria" He stretches her name with a jokey tone but his eyes are hooded and he's keeping his distance as he follows her to the bar.**

**Pulling on an apron, she ignores him to take over for Kenny and falls into the steady flow of bar-tending and bar-owning. After, when she's sure that everyone has been taken care of, she returns to her place behind the bar aware of his gaze following her as she worked the room.**

**"Maria"**

**"No. You don't get to call me by my first name. You don't get to be nice to me and drink my liquor and joke around and touch me. Why didn't you tell me about Alex?"**

**"You never asked?"**

**Maria imagines throwing a bottle of the good stuff at his head and she must be projecting with the way his hands rise in defense.**

**"Look we're single. I'm hot. You're hot. We made magic and I like _you_ Maria. Your energy is electric and I get caught up in it whenever you're close. Alex is a lot of pain and uncertainties. You don't play games. I can feel things for him and want to be around you all the time"**

**He's so open and earnest in this moment. Maria wants to hate him, she _really_ wants to hate him for this mess but he's right in that they are all single people trying to make the best of these cards of life. In a perfect world it would be her and Michael or Alex and Michael but this is literally the worst place in the world so they have _this_.**

**The tension drains out of her at that thought. The truth is she's not expecting Michael to be the love of her life or the answers to her prayers. She's too old and jaded to believe that there's a pot of gold at the end of her rainbow. But she's also astute enough to know that if she was truly honest about her feelings for Mi- Guerin, they were more than "guy who drinks all her booze for free and gives her orgasms".**

**Her hearts in her throat now. "I don't know what this is. I don't know if it's like or the onset of love or just a way to pass the time but it hurt me to know that you and Alex have this whole ten year epic love romance. It hurt me. My life sucks and I had been feeling numb and alone and terrified that my life was going to continue to fall apart on me. I liked our time together."**

**Maria Deluca hates vulnerability. She hates being weak or seen as being weak because in a town where there's only her and Mimi, she has to be strong.**

**_You don't always have to be strong_ he told her once. _Strength is being down and getting back up. You do that every damn day with your mom and this bar. _**

**"Liz is hiding something from me and I'm pretty sure that Alex is too. My mom is sick. I can run around looking for magical cures but the reality is she's not getting better. My life is basically this bar and these skills she gave to me. I'm barely holding on right now but you made some of that okay because you're Michael Guerin and you look at me like I'm somebody. Not somebody else but me, Maria Deluca: A Somebody. I dunno- maybe I just wanted something for myself".**

**The words tumbled out like pins going down in a strike and she should be ashamed of putting it all on the table but it's _him_ and this is _her_ and it's like sorting out a jigsaw puzzle when they're together. All broken up and disarrayed until they create something sweet, spicy and completely them.**

**He leans back in his stool and takes a long pull of his beer. Maria turns back to her customers, taking her sweet time getting back. There's being honest and vulnerable to a bff or a therapist and then there's putting your disheveled deck of cards on the table with the guy you slept with that you maybe have feelings for who is in love with your best friend, who is also in love with him.**

**Laughter spills from her at how ridiculous this whole thing is. Guerin's eyes shifted to weary as if he's afraid of what will come next but then a beat later he too starts to laugh and they're both pounding on the bar, tears streaming down their faces. Hands close enough to touch as the belly laughs turn to giggles and Maria feels starts to feel that spark again.**

**It should be vibrations emanating between them. The way he bites down on his lower lip, eyes darkening. The tingle up her spine that juts her chest forward.**

**She can imagine herself walking into the back store room, he'll following nonchalantly behind her, making sure to lock the door behind them. She'd sit on the third rung shelf, legs closed with teasing eyes watching as he stalked closer like a lion closing in on its prey. They've never done things easy when it's more fun to fight. He uses rough kisses to work in between her thighs, positioning his body just right to force a moan from her.**

**Their clothes are everywhere but she keeps her boots and makes him keep his hat. He spends too much (not enough) time on her breasts and then touches her _there_. She's sure he'll make a comment stroking his ego so she'll be forced to stroke other things. When he slides into her, she breaks out of her day dream.**

**The sex has never been a problem for them. No it's actually the place where they meet the easiest. Needing to calm down her hormones, Maria hurries to end the day with last call and she's caught in the regular routine of being a bar owner.**

**She doesn't turn to him again but she can practically feel the smirk on his face as he watches her flutter around the room. Later the bar is empty and there's just the two of them, she's organizing her booze shelf while he's sitting at the bar sipping quietly.**

**"Bar's closed. You can go home"**

**"Don't-"**

**She stays where she is with her back to him.**

**"Maria"**

**"Maria"**

**"Maria"**

**"I can do this all night you know"**

**"What?"**

**"I like you"**

**Maria turns slowly, unsure of what he's trying to prove.**

**"I'm not the poster boy for good decisions but I don't play games. That's what I like about you." He's contemplative while she waits, "You're bright and loud and funny and I- God I love your tits. Have I mentioned that before? You save yourself because there's no one around to save to you. I see how much that hurts and I guess I just want to be that person for you. I want to be here for you and see you smile and laugh and not carry this unfuckingly believable burden on your own. In my roundabout way, I'm saying that I like you and I want to see where that leads us".**

**Maria's knee jerk reaction is to use Alex, her busy life, his need for an actual therapist and sponsor or any other multitude of reasons why this is just _insane_.**

**That's also why she leans over the counter, her lips hovering in front of his. There's a spark of challenge in his eyes that she's certain matches her own. Brushing her lips against his, she whispers. "Try to keep up Guerin".**

**He chuckles and this time he's the one leaning forward. He tastes like free whiskey and maybes while one hand caressingly runs along her jaw. Maria grips the collar of his shirt at the soft touch. They're both out of breath when they pull apart but for the first time all night, they're smiling at each other.**

**Maria still isn't sure exactly what this is and she's sure that later tonight when she's in bed lying awake this will feel like just another bad idea (re: Chads). It cannot possibly be this simple, nothing in her life ever is.**

**Still, Maria feels the smile warm the rest of her and decides that it's enough.**


End file.
